So this week I turned 34 weeks pregnant. I started by feeling pretty positive! It’s March now, so that means with my induction, I’ll definitely be having my baby this month!! The end is in sight. As lovely as it is to grow a little human, I am not good at pregnancy, and I’ve been pregnant for pretty much 18 months solid now with such a tiny age gap. Physically, and mentally, I’m ready for a break!
But by Monday evening it all started to go downhill. I am sure some women are wonderfully calm during their pregnancies, and float along in a happy, glowy daze of excitement. Ladies: I am so jealous of you! Me? I flit between all laid back and positive…and oh my God, what was that, it’s all going wrong isn’t it, we can’t possibly be this lucky! Pregnancy paranoia: it’s a bugger.
I don’t think it’s helped by midwives and the like telling you to listen to your body, trust your instincts, etc – I get the sentiment, totally, but I’ll be honest. I haven’t the foggiest what I’m listening for half the time! Me and my pregnant body are misunderstanding each other somewhere along the line. I can only describe it initially as starting to feel ‘weird.’ My digestive system was in bits (we won’t go into too much detail there…no glamour!) and I felt weirdly unsettled.
On Tuesday, I was continuing this weird, on the edge feeling, and toilet hopping. I told Jim to keep his phone on him, though I wasn’t sure why. My appetite left me completely. My nighttime sleep was worse than ever, waking up suddenly as though I had somewhere urgent to be. By Wednesday night, I was getting bad lower back pain and pain in my bump. ‘This is it,’ I’m thinking, ‘this must be how natural labour starts!’ The only thing that eased it was a lovely, warm bath.
Thursday morning I was an emotional mess. The week had took its toll. Nothing had ‘progressed,’ pains had eased, my stomach was still rejecting all food (which makes diabetes control great fun!) so now I’m into full panic mode. What is going on with my baby?! I’m ashamed to say I started blubbing to Jim and for the first time ever, really needed him to stay off work. I needed help with Noah so that I could focus fully on figuring out what was happening with bump. With Noah’s pregnancy, I was much worse in terms of panic- it still felt like we were too lucky, things could go wrong at any moment, right up until the end. I think I’ve been loads better this time because I’m just too distracted and busy. But yesterday? I was in a tizz.
The hospital didn’t want me in. They decided over the phone I must have some horrid bug that they wanted to keep well away from the wards, thank you very much. I get that completely, I do, but I needed some reassurance. So I saw my community midwife. And thank goodness, she let me listen to baby’s heartbeat. She also informed me baby is well and truly engaged now, so my pains the previous night could well have been him literally ‘burrowing’ into my pelvis. Cheers bubs! All my other tests came up the same as usual, and so I have been slightly mollified. For now.
Honestly, being pregnant is stressful. I don’t know what’s going on in there! I am emotionally exhausted after this week, and wishing away the next three so that I can hold him safely in my arms and keep the little monkey where I can see him. Because that’s where the worry ends, right? Ha ha ha…